crazy talk: the perfect storm

let me level with you all a little. i hope that no one thinks i have it all together. i hope that no one thinks that we have the perfect life, and i really hope no one thinks i know it all. because never for a second do i think i do. my life is perfect for me. and yes, its perfectly unperfected.

see that perfect sleeping girl up there? that is the after math of the storm. these "perfect storms" seem to happen all to often in brett and i's life. maybe its our scrappy lifestyle? or our way of putting things off till the last second, or our carefree way of doing things that makes these moments possible. usually these perfect storms don't bother me. in fact I'm used to them by now. but today's was different. 

sweet little girl woke up this morning with a spiciness in her crawl. usually she is fairly pleasant in the mornings, but today.... not so much! she woke up fixin' for trouble. i can't really blame her. we were locked up like caged animals for the better part of yesterday. her favorite thing in the world to do is to run errands. she enjoys looking around in the stores. all the bright colors and new things to look at makes it the perfect distraction for any day. 

i thought running errands would be a particularly good idea today. the soggy, drizzly, weather, and the light brisk breeze outside meant that a walk this morning was probably off the table. so i packed a bag got us both dressed and out we went. olive takes her nap around 11. as the morning went on i slowly lost track of time and baby girls temper kept slowly climbing. it was really a slow climb though. one i didn't notice was really escalating until i had a hand full of clearance items and was next in line at the register. of course. 

you know you have seen it before. the mom with the child that clearly needs a nap. the child may or may not also need some lunch. the mom is a bit distracted by items that should be ringing up for less than they actually are. in your head your kinda thinking, lady.... your kid is fussy. you look frazzled. drop the clothes, cut your losses, and call it a day. 

yeah, ok. looking back now, that's exactly what i should have done. but i kept thinking... you got this! 60 more seconds and it will all be over. 

(the cashier over her headset) "can i get a price check on this baby romper"

-olive squealing in the background-

(me) "i don't care, i'll pay full price, just ring it up" (oops, i sounded mean, but i didn't mean it mean!)

(cashier kinda looking annoyed) "if you spend five dollars you'll get thirty in bounce back bucks"

-olive tugging at my pant leg whimpering- i pick her up- she arches her back-

(me) "huh?" (sweat is gathering on my forehead and i'm starting to get anxious. this is getting bad)

(chashier sighs in frustration) "if you get something for five bucks you can qualify for thirty in bounce back bucks" 

-olive grabs onto stroller and starts pushing it-

(me making sure i sound nicer this time) "i don't care,  (ooo that came out bad) thank you for letting me know, but i'm fine today thanks!" (nervous apologetic smile) 

-olive starts crying- (i glance at her then back and the cashier. )

(cashier looking even more annoyed) -olive squealing- your total  comes to....

*thunk. * scream*

yup. you all know where this is going. poor little wobbly walking baby girl toppled over onto the polished cement floor. my heart sank and i ran over to grab her. i felt terrible. i knew i hadn't been giving her my full attention. it was past her nap. she gets wobbly and angry and frustrated when she doesn't get sleep. she fell. i felt awful. i pushed this situation too far. i cradled her in my arms, kissed her sweet head and looked up. 

then i saw it. the lady that was checking out next to me was staring at me. her eyes were the first i saw. her eyes narrowed over her high cheek bones. into a firm pierce. her lips pursed together in disgust. and then. and then. and then came the slow distasteful shake of the head. she shook her head in shame and looked at me with utter disapproval. she grabbed her things and briskly walked past me, all the while gazing that awful gaze my way. 

my stomach sank. my shoulders dropped. my confidence fled. my eyes drooped. i slid my credit card. gathered my things. and fled from that store as fast as i could. 

poor little olive was still crying as i put her in her carseat and rummaged for her binki. which, of course, got dropped somewhere between ulta and old navy. how could i have lost her last binki! right during nap time. right after a meltdown. i got a lump in my throat... that burning lump that you try so hard to push back. i shook my head and took deep breathes. keep it together woman! how could i have put ourselves in this mess. i'm the mom. i need to get a better handle on the circumstances i put us in! olive immediately fell asleep. my car was still parked in the parking lot. 

why did this woman's stare hurt me so badly? i had a bad moment. i'm not a bad mom. right?

but.... alas... maybe is was the drizzle of the rain on my windshield, or the ringing silence of my car. or, the fact that i have missed my husband terribly all of the month of march; but there it came again. that lump. and this time no matter how hard i gulped and swallowed it kept burning, and made its way up to my eyes. lightly tears rolled down my cheeks as i allowed myself a moment of self pity. 

this woman had hurt me! she had seen right through me. she had pegged me as a frazzled mess of a mother. and she was totally spot on, and maybe that's why it hurt so terribly bad. 

it hurt because i was accepting it, and allowing it. then. after about three minutes of this nonsense i realized, you know what? you are the best mother you can be. olive loves you. your husband loves you. your life is beautiful. keep it together woman! 

its true! you caught me. i don't have it all together, all the time. no one does. but i think the important thing is that we are trying our best to keep it together all the time. yes. i miss my husband terribly. but you know what? he misses me! and thats a beautiful thing. we have so much love for one another and have a beautiful relationship. sure i'm frazzled. but its because i have a beautiful, healthy, active, loving, baby girl. sure somedays i'm locked inside cleaning, and may or may not always get a shower. but you know what? i have a warm, beautiful, home to clean that is filled with love and laughter. 

so as moms, and as human beings in general, i think its important to shed light on the good and remember its ok if things aren't perfect because you know what? they never will be. but imperfect can always be your own form of perfect. and thats a pretty great thing.